because “They’re the boss”

because at 17 i still have to put up with them controlling every aspect of my life.

because after getting good grades, after getting all 5s on my APs, after cooking for myself and taking care of myself and going to the super market by myself and managing my own money by myself i still have to put up with this shit

because one year away from college my parents are still giving me a fucking bedtime and putting parental controls on my computer.

because even though their complete disregard of my opinion has brought me to tears and made me suicidal in the past, they are still in the right.

because me feeling physically ill from our confrontations is not enough to prove that my feelings have valid backings and should be accounted for.

because they are the parents.

i dont fucking have parents. my independence and controlling personality was born of necessity.

why should they be called parents? when it was not they who raised me??? when it was my grandmother and my babysitter who were always there. why should they be called parents when they offer no comfort and in fact cause me enough stress that my fucking doctor noticed and said i need a fucking therapist. why when all they provide are material things. when they do as the law requires by feeding and housing me but just fucking barley because if i want to go out and eat a fucking cheese burger with my friends they wont even give me five fucking dollars to buy one because “we have food at home”. when my brother and i are both clinically underweight and i have become used to feeling hungry because its the fucking norm.

are they my parents simply because they contributed the genetic material needed for me to be born? should my “father”’s oppinion ALWAYS be placed above my own when he didnt even want me and my mother had to trick him for me to be born? when he had tried to tell her to get an abortion????

but yes. because they are my parents. and that justification alone is enough to vindicate them even though i live in an emotionally traumatizing environment and have dealt with verbal and physical abuse from both parents for disagreeing with them. because even though i have always had my shit together my fathers rule is law.

because it is acceptable to forcefully shove your daughter into a metal headboard and hurting her because she decided she didnt fucking want to go to church.

and then never apologizing for it.

because clearly you were in the right youre the father after all!

because at 15 years old i was not then old e-fucking-nough to make the choice on whether or not i wanted to go to church with YOU specifically because it was a FAMILY thing and we had to be a FAMILY now when you had never taken me to church before.

it sure is easy to dump your children on other your whole life and then decide once they have already spent years being independent and taking care of themselves that you are going to start taking control and implementing all these rules that never existed before and there is no fucking need for.

i am very very upset

i feel sick

i fucking want to throw up

and it is because of my wise and benevolent parents and their wise choices that are whats best for me.

because making me feel suicidal and depressed and basicly like shit on a regular basis is whats best for me.

i tell myself one more year. one more year and im fucking free. but sometimes a year feels like such a fucking long time.