suicide mention///

so today i got called “spoiled” for complaining about my college situation to a friend.

i am mad. i am too sad and tired to be furious but i am mad.

the people who are supposed to support and help me continue to make me feel like absolute trash on a regular basis.

i feel so disappointed with everything. I already have to try to shut my brain makes everything feel awful and tells me that suicide is a valid option WITHOUT having the people i care about shit all over me. but no matter how much effort and love i try to put toward my real life relationships all i get back is pain and disappointment.

my brother doesnt love me. my “friends” dont love me. my father is a stranger and my mom loves him more than me and cares more about always playing the victim and being right than how her actions affect me.

i am CONSISTENTLY ridiculed for all of my interests or passions and i am just so so tired of it.

there was a time during the summer when when i thought of the people who i could count as real friends the ONLY people i could think of were Jenny and Pi. Thats it.

a few days ago i had to fantasize about being able to be around Jenny to keep from wanting to kill myself. thinking about being around one of the few people who i feel like actually cares about me. just getting to hug her or build a pillow fort with her or do something dumb.

i am tired. i am just so fucking tired. of being belittled and insulted and made fun of and treated like garbage.

i dont even know what im supposed to do at this point. i dont know how to make thing better.

my head hurts and my nose is clogged from crying and i feel nauseous and i just wished that there was something i could do to make the people who i know irl stop doing this to me and i just dont know how

i am tired.