Tag: personal

my depression has been really bad lately but it hasn’t even been manifesting as sadness which I feel like would be easier to deal with its manifesting simultaneously as listlessness and an insistent maddening /anger/

I feel like it’s a physical sensation in my chest and it just makes me want to take out all of this aggressive violent energy on something. I just want to bite and scream and scratch the shit out of someone and break something but I can’t do that because I’m not a fucking toddler and you’re not allowed to have a temper tantrum at 20. and anyway no one deserves to deal with that shit just bc my brain is having a bad time.

I just want it to go away and I want to be a better kinder person but I’m not. I’m fucking angry and violent and I have no fucking outlet for it right now and it’s just getting worse.

i had a dream that my mom died last night. i went to live with my aunt and my cousin on this house on a crumbling cliff. I went up stairs and there was a room that had all my mom’s stuff. her clothes still smelled like her. 

it was so strange. i couldn’t believe that she was dead. It was just like she had left but i didn’t believe that she was really gone.

at the end of the dream she came back and i started crying and hugged her.

i don’t know where my dad was in all of this. its like he didn’t exist at all. maybe its because i barely have a relationship with him. 

i feel so fucking stupid and upset and im crying

im literally crying over fucking MILK and BAGELS

BUT ITS LIKE. i have REALLY poor appetite. most of the time i have to force myself to eat and it makes it EVEN FUCKING HARDER if we dont have food that i ACTUALLY FIND PALATABLE IN THE HOUSE

AND WE NEVER FUCKING DO

BECAUSE MY PARENTS NEVER FUCKING TAKE US GROCERY SHOPPING WITH THEM

and they always get the shopping just WRONG

i have mild lactose intolerance so my parents have to get me lactose free milk but instead of whole milk they got 2% which first of all taste way too watery for me and second of all IS NOT GOOD FOR PEOPLE WHO ALREADY HAVE TROUBLE GETTING ENOUGH CALORIES

i asked for plain bagels and i have SHOWN them which bagels to get! they are in the normal bread section of the supermarket we always go to!!! but instead they got me awful frozen bagels that are fucking America’s Choice brand which is an AWFUL DISGUSTING BRAND that i have REPEATEDLY asked them not to get!!!!

and i know its such a stupid thing to get so upset over but i just want to be able to fucking eat food without it being a huge struggle! and it also shows just how little they listen or care about my opinion.

Yesterday my mother tried to get me to drink apple juice.
I HAVE TOLD HER LITERALLY DOZENS OF TIMES OVER THE COURSE OF MANY YEARS THAT I CANNOT DRINK APPLE JUICE BECAUSE IT HURTS MY STOMACH. I HAVE TOLD BOTH OF MY PARENTS THIS REPEATEDLY AND NEITHER OF THEM EVER REMEMBERS. and its just so frustrating to have to repeat myself so many times over something that should be so simple.

and the worst thing is i cant even complain to anyone about my food problems! no one seams to GET it. if i try to talk to someone i always get people criticizing me for being to picky or saying how they have less food in the house and they just deal with it or that poor people dont have the luxury of being so choosy

BUT

I AM CLINICALLY UNDERWEIGHT. MY DEFAULT STATE IS HUNGRY. I HAVE GOTTEN USED TO BEING HUNGRY BECAUSE EVEN IF I AM HUNGRY IS STILL HAVE A POOR APPETITE AND I CANT FORCE MYSELF TO EAT FOOD THAT TURN ME OFF

and i just wish this wasn’t such a fucking ISSUE. and then i feel STUPID because i am literally sobbing over MILK and BAGELS but its the fucking stupid little things like this that make me not want to get out of bed in the morning because i cant even have the fucking pleasure of eating a fucking bagel or having a glass of milk when i wake up and why should i even waste my energy when im not going to be able to make myself eat and refuel?????

UPDATE: I tried to talk to my dad since he apparently did the shopping but instead of trying to change he decided its too much trouble so my mom will have to do all the shopping for me.

you are not a good friend

you do not make me smile

you do not make me feel happy or safe or loved

no i do not fucking want to go play video games at your house

and do you want to know why? because i will not enjoy myself. because i do not want to be there because YOU do not want ME to be there

as made obvious by the fact that you did not invite me in the first place and only considered me after i fucking told you that you were being awful.

because you are not actually invested in my happiness, you are only doing this to make yourself look better. so that you can say “she was wrong! i tried! im not a bad friend its her fault!”

but i should not have to fucking spell this out for you

of course you didnt know i felt this way

because you dont care about how i feel

because you dont care about me