aries: multiple stab wounds
taurus: tasteful sideboob
gemini: a bleached asshole
cancer: the pennywhistle solo from ‘my heart will go on’
leo: Michelle Obama’s arms
virgo: Bees?
libra: the Tempur-Pedic™ Swedish sleep system
scorpio: an erection that lasts longer than four hours
sagittarius: women in yogurt commercials
capricorn: Stalin
aquarius: an M.Night Shyamalan plot twist
pisces: a homoerotic volleyball montage