depression blogging

I’m just honestly so tired of this bullshit. I want to be able to go home without immediately regretting it. I want to be able to talk to my mom about my life and mental health without it turning into an argument. but she’s never going to fucking change bc she refuses to admit that she’s ever done anything wrong.

beep boop I am depresso

I should probably do something about my martyr complex but if that were something I were capable of my martyr complex would never have existed in the first place now would it?

it’s like I have a fatty lipid bilayer and it keeps all the hurt in and the happiness out. I can feel it bobbing around on the outside, brush against me, but it can’t enter

I’m always either dissociating or in pain

“happy is an ocean I cannot baptize myself in”

I’m really depressed rn

I need someone to visit me and force me to be productive today bc I’m supposed to get a bunch of things done but I did one thing and now I’m tired and want to lay down

I need to play with my cat and give her some attention but it’s already nearly 6pm and I…..just don’t want to get out of bed today….
I got up earlier to feed her and then I went back to sleep

mom: “oh sweety…… 🙂 you are so young and stupid……you will see..:)….when you grow up..then you will realize how good you had it here! You had a BLAST living here!… 🙂 🙂 :)”

I’ve literally been getting headaches lately from clenching my jaw all the time bc of how anxious living here makes me

currently feeling the emotional equivalent of paint drying